Fiction: Totally Plausible Ways I Could Talk To The Girl Who Lives In My Building
OH MY GOD I WISH I HAD WRITTEN THIS.
Headlines
I’ve got a bunch of fake news headlines laying around. I may turn some of them into something later. For now, here they are.
- Mississippi Circle K Still Hasn’t Removed Extra 2 K’s From Sign
- Number of Facebook Photos Declared Universal Measure of Self-Worth
- OKCupid More Popular Than AverageCupid and MediocreCupid for 5th Straight Year
- “Where Is Danny DeVito’s Handle? Where Is His Spout?” Nation Asks
- Area Car Dealership Still Hasn’t Sold Your Father’s Oldsmobile
- Op-Ed: LAX Is The Chillest Airport
- Feminist Stove Refuses To Heat Up Manwich
- Armchair Activist Already Wearing Hoodie
- Journey Enthusiast Brutally Murdered On Midnight Train To South Detroit
- Man Physically Hitting The Gym Not Really Helping Demolition Crew
- Area Woman’s Relationship Bad News For Pint Of Chunky Monkey
- Magazine: What We Can Do To Save Our Planet Fitness
- Date Ends After Woman Decides Her Thighs Do Need That Extra Appletini, Asshole
- Another Japanese Porn Shelved Because Hello Kitty Has No Mouth
- Live Singles In Your Area Deeply Disturbed By Your Browsing History
- Social Media Consultant Will Sleep With You To Increase Klout Score
- CNN Trades Sanjay Gupta To CBS For Episode Of Shit My Dad Says And Player To Be Named Later
- “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” Uncannily Similar To Area Family’s Fart Policy
- YOLO Not The Motto For Hindus, Cats
- Congress’ Beer Preferences Affecting Future Of Keystone Pipeline
- Strange, Bearded Man Looking Forward To Prostate Exam
- Dressing Up As Egg Is Closest Area Man Has Come To Getting Laid
- Double Amputee Could Not Possibly Be Worse At Masturbating
- Tourist Searching For Hole In The Wall Restaurant Only Finds Insulation
- Internet User Loses And Regains Faith In Humanity 8 Times In Single Day
original typography series based off the ridiculous slang that you hear around Princeton
ALLI oooooOOOOOH MY GODDDDDDDDD
These words mean things to me.
YES YES YES
QUADDITIES
In which my obsession with Princeton Quadrangle Club comes to its glorious, mountain-moving zenith. An earlier, less dope version of this piece also appeared on this blog.
PrincetonFML
I hate my roommate because he’s annoying. I hate Wilson because it’s cool to hate it. I hate Butler because my own room sucks. I hate Forbes because it’s too far, the Dinky because it can’t be saved. I hate it when Asian tourists take pictures of me. My professor is an unfair grader and my preceptor is weird too. I hate the Prince because it claims to be journalism, the Nass because it doesn’t. I hate greek organizations because I’m not in one. I hate Terrace because it’s weird, Tower because it’s full of tools, Cannon because it’s empty, and Quad because it’s emptier. I hate Colonial because of its ethnic stereotypes, Cottage because of its ethnic stereotypes, Ivy because it’s elitist, and Cloister because it’s totally not. Cap is too chill, Charter is too far, and I hate TI because it’s the startling quintessence of the gross excess and anti-intellectual sentiment that is slowly spreading across this great nation of ours. MLIA.
15 Things I’ve Said That Made Dates Run Away In Tears
- “No, I didn’t pee myself. My penis is just sweating for you! Okay, okay, I was masturbating, but it was only because I saved your Facebook pictures to my phone.”
- “Your thighs really don’t need another Dr. Pepper.”
- “Wow, your parents must be rolling in their graves! Waaiiit, you’re not supposed to know that one yet.”
- “Let me just call ahead to see if my wife is awake to unlock the door.”
- “This Ford isn’t the only escort my grandma bought me.”
- “Do you think you could pay the bill? My fetish porn tumblr hasn’t been making a whole lot of advertising revenue this month.”
- “One time my dick fell off.”
- “I don’t like to put myself into an ideological shoebox, but if you’re Jewish, I don’t know if this is going to work out.”
- “Oh wow, you’re Cambodian? In that case, can I call you mine?”
- “Fee, fi, fo, fum — I smell menstrual blood.”
- “I have this thing where, if the date goes well, I’ll swaddle you in the freshly-made sheets of lasagna I keep in my backpack and moisten my nipples with extra virgin olive oil in preparation for the sacrifice. It’s a cultural thing.”
- “That rash isn’t anything to worry about. I was getting a little freaky with my dog, and he’s just got a super mild case of ringworm.”
- “I’ll be right there, I’m just getting my speakers set up because I only have sex to Drake songs.”
- “What part of ‘BUY A USED PICKUP AT DISCOUNTED RATES FROM MILLER CHEVROLET’ don’t you fucking understand?”
- “You can leave now. We’ve already gone over time and the next applicant has been here for 8 minutes. Rude.”
